Married, at first … sigh

Married at First Sight Australia 2019 aired this week. There’s ten couples the ‘experts’ have matched up and we saw six of them walk down the isle to someone they’ve never met and know nothing about!

I didn’t particularly want to watch couples relationships for five nights a week but once you watch a bit… the ad breaks are well timed and marketing is on point to intrigue us and imply disaster. You can’t help but watch more.

The first couple we meet is Jules and Cameron. He’s an expro Cricketer that dedicated his life to cricket and had his priorities wrong (enter fake spewing noises as I don’t try to control my feelings towards guys obsessed with sport and the cricketer I dated for two years who did nothing but cricket!)

It’s ok though as he’s not too short, still has his hair and has a nice smile. He’s saying all the right things and wants kids. He danced at the wedding when the music didn’t play. He hasn’t stopped smiling. Cue the happy ending. Urgh, maybe I’ll have to change my mind about cricketers.

We then meet Nic and Cyrell. She has a overly protective and aggressive brother. He is cool, calm and collected and manages to stand his ground. We find out he’s survived testicular cancer and has to tell his ‘wife’ on national tv that he can’t ejaculate (it goes into his stomach!) but he can still have kids through IVF- phew!

Mick (they mustn’t be filming Farmer Wants a Wife anymore) lives with sheep so is stunned to marry blond bombshell (is there more to her) Jessika. She walks off on him when he asks if she’s just there for Instagram rather than a real relationship. If she can’t put down her phone and have a proper conversation, she’s not going to move to a farm unless it’s glamorous mud wrestling that’s photographed as she modelsfor a hobby‘ (cough, instagram).

Ning is a sweety at heart with three kids but she’s built a wall around her heart and defends her castle with bad jokes and awkwardness. Will Mark persevere trying to get to know her? Well he has nothing else on the go at the moment so why not.

Mike and Heidi- both hot, fun loving, adventure seeking, nomads. He’s a sparky that’s ignited women’s loins around the world (so he says) and she’s…. I don’t know, I’m so distracted by her hair! And her Barbie body.

Heidi tried to have a deep and meaningful about her life and got shut down because he was impatient and too hot. Maybe he was too distracted by her hair too. He seems like a fuck boy.

Dino is a meditation coach. Well I think he wants to be hired as a meditation coach. He certainly doesn’t say a single sentence without a spiritual reference, mantra or meditation advice. I think his lips may have Botox. I don’t want to watch him but I can’t look away. They’ve matched him with his partner, Melissa, for the same reason I fear. Both train wrecks in their personal lives. Another confession to millions- she hasn’t had sex for 8 years and he called off an engagement as she didn’t like the ring!

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So…. I certainly forget my troubles whilst watching theirs!

What would I want to confess to my husband on our wedding night and to all the viewers? I’m 6 years single now! Can I blame being diagnosed with diabetes and then adjustment disorder (depression and anxiety) for a couple of years of being single? Yeah, why not. The rest? Well, that’s just life. Could I go on the show? No, I’m over size 10!

Talking married says that still to come: the women are ‘raw’ and ‘outspoken’ and the experts will be ethically challenged…. intrigue, intrigue.

Can’t wait to see the other four couples!

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